Hold Me Close (Bridgewater County Book 4) Read online

  I nodded, my chest aching at the lie of omission hanging between us. I wanted to tell him about the baby, to see his reaction when I told him he was going to be a father, but that would only make this harder. I had to look away.

  “Ethan, I don’t need to leave my job for the baby. I need to leave because I can’t keep sleeping with you and Matt.”

  Ethan’s shock was quickly followed by confusion and frustration. “What? Why? Did something happen? Were we too rough with the plug?”

  I shook my head again.

  Understanding dawned quickly. “Is this about Matt and the job offer?” Before I could reply, he hurried on. “He won’t be gone for long, sweetheart. He’ll be back by the weekend and then the three of us can talk this out and figure out how it will work.”

  The struggle to hold back tears rendered me temporarily unable to speak. I cleared my throat and said what needed to be said. “I don’t need to talk this out, Ethan. I’m ending it with both of you. For good.”

  Guilt and sadness made the nausea worsen to the point where I had to clench my fists and bite my lip to keep from doubling over. I had to continue reminding myself that this was in their best interests. Ethan might not like it now, but he would when he found the right woman. Matt would be free to pursue his dreams in San Francisco.

  This was for the best.

  That was poor consolation when faced with Ethan’s obvious pain. “Don’t do this. Matt’s been an ass before and he’ll be one again. That doesn’t mean it’s over.”

  “No,” I said, with a finality I didn’t want to feel. They would move hell and earth to make this work between us, because they’d made a promise and these men would never shirk their responsibilities.

  I’d have to do it for them.

  “I don’t want to work it out.” I was amazed by how calm I sounded, almost like my heart wasn’t breaking and shattering into a million pieces at our feet.

  His brows drew together as he searched my face. Looking for what, I didn’t know. His eyes were filled with pain and confusion, frustration and anger.

  “You were fine a few hours ago. Playful even. Why didn’t you say anything then?”

  I shrugged, glanced at the arm of my couch. It was a good question. What woman would let two men spank her and do butt stuff if she wanted to break it off?

  I would have given anything to ease his pain but that would only make this harder.

  “What about the baby?”

  For a second my heart stopped. How did he know?

  “What if you’re pregnant?” he continued. His desperation clawed at my chest, making my heartache that much more painful. “You can’t raise a baby alone.”

  I stood up a little straighter and looked him in the eye. “I can and, if it happens, I will. That was my original plan, remember? It was you and Matt who decided you wanted to be involved. But now I’m telling you it’s not necessary.”

  “Why? Why are you doing this?”

  “Because it’s for the best. For all of us.” And it was…for them, at least.

  It was his turn to shake his head. He crossed his arms over his chest, looking defiant. “I’m not giving up on you, Rachel Andrews. I’m not giving up on us, or the family we talked about.” He looked so earnest, it hurt.

  I opened my mouth to argue with him further, make it clear that my decision was final. The words never got out. My stomach chose that moment to turn over, making me clamp my mouth shut and take a deep breath, praying that the nausea would pass.

  Ethan reached out in concern. “You look really pale. Are you all right?”

  No! I was so not all right. Nothing about this situation felt right. I finally had my baby, but I was losing the two men who could make a family with me. I’d finally found love and now I was forced to drive it away or risk hurting everyone.

  “I didn’t sleep last night,” I lied. “I just need to lie down.”

  He nodded, helping me into a chair. “Fine. I’ll leave…for now, and I’ll let you get your sleep.”

  I kept my head down to hide the tears that were forming all over again. I couldn’t see his expression, but I heard the hard determination in his voice when he continued. “Don’t think I’m accepting this, sweetheart. I’ll give you time. That’s it. We promised you we’d prove to you that this is the real deal and I mean to make good on that promise.”

  ***

  MATT

  This should have been a great day, a day for celebration. Here I was, back in the big leagues. The assistant coach who’d been tasked with showing me around before my final interview led the way through the empty locker room.

  Everything about it felt familiar. The lingering smell of sweat and bleach, the distant sound of weights clanging from a training room. In a weird way, it felt like coming home.

  Except that it didn’t feel like home. Not anymore.

  The coach showed me some of the new state-of-the-art training equipment and I made the appropriate sounds of admiration. Or at least, I hoped I did. Everything looked exactly the same, yet completely different. Years away had changed my perspective. Changed me. My mind was still fixed on the way I’d left things back in Bridgewater.

  The whole job thing happened so fast. The flight had been booked and I’d had no choice but to all but run to the plane if I wanted to make it to the meeting. There had been no chance to resolve things before I left and I felt like shit about it. I knew Ethan was pissed. And Rachel? Shit.

  I’d tried their phones, but they weren’t answering and I was sick of leaving voicemails. A full day had gone by with no word from either of them and I knew something was wrong and I was, once again, the cause.

  Part of me wanted to jump on the next plane to get back and make things right—at least make them understand. I felt uncomfortable in my skin, as if I couldn’t sit still. I was anxious and it was really fucking hard to be “on” for the interviews. I’d made it through several interviews and had one more left. It was the final meeting, the one that would decide my fate. Our fate.

  I tried to get excited as the guy told me about the day-to-day tasks of the pitching coach position. I asked informed questions and furrowed my brow so it looked like I was concentrating on his answers. But the moment he started talking, my brain went off on a tangent of doubts and questions while my gut screamed at me to leave and my heart…well my heart felt like there was a chunk missing. All three seemed determined to sabotage this meeting. To sabotage what I’d wanted for years. To be back in the majors.

  I almost missed it when the coach asked if I was ready for the final interview.

  “Of course,” I said, trying to muster up the appropriate enthusiasm, slapping the guy on the back.

  He might have been fooled, but I was not. As I followed him to the conference room, my feet felt like lead. Why did it feel like I was heading in for a root canal without Novocain? My hesitation had nothing to do with nerves. Nah, the job was mine. I knew it.

  In fact, I wished I was nervous, at least that would be a sign that I was excited about this job. That I really wanted it.

  Because I did want it…didn’t I? This was the break I’d been wanting ever since I blew out my shoulder. I’d wanted a chance back in and I had it. It was right there, I just had to reach out and take it. Yet somehow being here didn’t feel like it did in my dreams. In all those late nights wishing I could be in this exact spot. It felt like I was trying to go back in time and relive a great period of my life.

  I was left alone in the room to wait on the head honchos who would have the final say. The longer I sat there, the more I itched to leave. How could I focus on answering interview questions when all I could think about was what was going on at home? Was Rachel running the office in one of her summer dresses? While she would be bare assed underneath, there was nothing showy or inappropriate about my girl. No, she was sweet on the outside and a sexy siren for only me and Ethan.

  And yet the last time I saw her, she was upset with me. She knew what a call from the Giants meant
. To her, it probably meant I was going to bail. That was what it felt like sitting here, that I’d bailed. On her, on us. On the family we were trying to make.

  The executives filed in and I got up to greet them, shaking hands, settling across from me at the big conference table. I didn’t want to go through with this, and it wasn’t entirely because I was impatient to be home fixing things with Ethan and Rachel. Something about this whole experience didn’t feel right.

  One of the men launched into a spiel about the team and the position. It all sounded too good to be true. Big salary, spring training in Arizona, months off in the off-season. Back in the dugout as a coach. When he was done, he asked a simple question. “So, Matt, why do you want this job?”

  It was an easy warm-up question, one I should have been able to answer in my sleep. I’d known the answer all these years, waited for the moment when I could give it. But now that my chance was here, I found myself staring at the man as my mind went blank. Why did I want the job?

  So I could be in the majors again? So I could watch on the sidelines as men younger and in better shape lived out my dream career that had been cut short?

  For the first time since I got the call saying they were interested in me, I let myself imagine what it would really be like if I took the job. I’d be on the road all the time, which was fine when I’d been young and single, but now? Arizona didn’t seem too appealing. Now, it would mean leaving behind Rachel, and eventually our children. That thought brought with it a physical ache. I didn’t want to be away from her these few days in California. How would I feel when it was spring training and then the season with over one hundred-fifty games? And not one of those games happened in Montana.

  I’d never had anything to sacrifice. Until now. Was it worth it? For so long I’d thought my dream was baseball, but I’d never stopped to notice that somewhere along the way, my dreams had changed. I’d fucking changed.

  I pictured Rachel walking into my office with those warm hazel eyes and that sweet, knowing smile. She was my dream now. My every fantasy. And somewhere along the way her dreams had become mine, and definitely her fantasies. I couldn’t wait to hear her tell us she was pregnant. Couldn’t wait to watch her belly grow.

  Sure, they might be tame dreams compared to my former aspirations, but that didn’t make them any less real. Hell, they were more real. What did I get out of the majors besides a bum shoulder? Nothing. With Rachel? I got everything.

  And Hawk’s Landing? I’d always thought of it as Ethan’s dream, but at some point it had become mine, too. I loved working the land and having the space and freedom that came with living in Bridgewater. I liked sharing it with the guests, letting them see how special Montana was. There was nothing appealing about the idea of moving back to a major city. The noise. The lights. The crowds. Shit, I hadn’t seen rush hour in years. The only place I really wanted to be was the place I’d just left. Bridgewater.

  I’d spent so long being bitter about what I’d lost, pissed that my shoulder had given out on me before I was ready, I’d never stopped to see what I’d gained.

  The executives were watching me, waiting for an answer as the silence stretched into awkward territory. I didn’t care. I not only wasn’t nervous, I didn’t even care if they were impressed or not. I didn’t care, period. Not about this job, and not about baseball. Not any longer.

  All that mattered was getting back home and making things right with the two people in the world that truly mattered.

  My chair scraped against the floor as I pushed it back and stood, causing more than one executive to raise his brows in surprise.

  “Sorry, gentlemen,” I said. “I have some place to be.”

  As I headed out of the office and back to my hotel to pack, there were no regrets about my decision. If anything, I felt free. A load had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it was some of that old bitterness about the way my career had ended. Or maybe it was just the relief of knowing that I was finally heading home…to my family.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  ETHAN

  This was torture. Two days had passed and there was no getting through to Rachel. I’d tried everything but the woman had gone ice cold on me, shutting me out. She wouldn’t answer her door, wouldn’t answer my phone calls. The worst part was I was fighting for her on my own.

  Matt had finally called back, but by then I hadn’t wanted to talk with him. Telling him over the phone that Rachel had ended things with us just seemed cruel. Besides, I’d hoped that I could convince her to give us another chance before he returned.

  But he was still off on his trip and things with Rachel were worse than ever. I’d reached a dead-end on how to get through to her. At the office—she’d given two weeks’ notice—I’d talked until I was blue in the face, but she remained stubbornly silent on why she was breaking up with us. She’d even taken to wearing jeans again. The fun and games were definitely over.

  I’d run out of options and was feeling desperate, which was why I called in reinforcements. If I couldn’t get through to her, I knew who could. I sat in a back booth at The Barking Dog and saw Emmy walk in with her husbands. I offered a quick wave to them as they remained by the door as Emmy approached. It was an off time, the lunch rush having come and gone, so the place was quiet. So was the jukebox in the corner. When she slid into the booth opposite me, she gave me a pitying smile that told me I looked like shit. I smiled at that because I knew she was right. I looked like shit and I felt worse.

  “If Rachel found out I was meeting you, she’d kill me,” she said. She didn’t seem too concerned by her sister’s wrath, but I still apologized.

  “I’m sorry to drag you into this. I just don’t know what else to do.”

  She leaned over the table and her smile grew mischievous. “Oh please, I was ecstatic for an excuse to get out of the house with my men and my mother has been eager to babysit. Besides, I want to see Rachel happy as much as you do.”

  I let that register. She had worked for us for two years, knew Matt and I better than most. “Does that mean you think we could make her happy?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding? I’ve never seen her happier in her life.”

  Relief had me slumping back in the booth. But her response did nothing to help my confusion.

  “I thought she’d been happy, too. Do you have any idea why she’s doing this?”

  She bit her lip and toyed with the silverware set out before her. It was clear she was trying to figure out how much she could tell me without breaking her sister’s confidence.

  “You know, don’t you?”

  A little part of me hated myself for putting Emmy in this position, and for invading Rachel’s privacy in this way. But if she wasn’t willing to talk, what other options did I have?

  Finally, Emmy blew out a long breath. “All I can tell you is she’s not doing this for herself. She thinks it’s the right thing to do for you and Matt.”

  I frowned, shook my head. “She said something like that the other day but it doesn’t make sense.” I sighed, ran a hand over the back of my neck. “Why?”

  Emmy’s mouth clamped shut. Clearly, that was all the info I was getting from Rachel’s loyal little sister.

  I forced a smile. “Thanks, Emmy. I appreciate you meeting me.”

  She reached out a hand and squeezed mine. “I’m rooting for you, Ethan. We all are.”

  I nodded and watched as she walked away to join her husbands by the door. Emmy hadn’t told me much. But the fact that Rachel was making us all miserable because she was being noble for some reason was driving me fucking insane. I didn’t need her to be noble, I needed her to be ours. I had a very strong suspicion it had to do with Matt and the job offer, that she must have come to the conclusion that she was standing in his way. And if we’d made a baby, then she’d be pretty hefty baggage for Matt. The silly woman still didn’t understand that she was everything we wanted.

  I cursed under my breath at Matt, though he wasn’t around to
hear me. This was his fault…again. That ass was going to ruin the best thing that had ever come our way.

  If this really was the issue, it would take more than just me to get through to her. Matt needed to talk to her, to reassure her. He was the one who’d put these doubts into her mind, whether he’d intended to or not.

  When I left The Barking Dog, I had a plan—not a hell of a good one, but a plan nonetheless. We couldn’t waste any more time. The longer this silence went on, the harder it would be to get through to her and convince her that we were both in this for the long haul. Not because we said we would, but because it was what we wanted. We. I said we when the other half of the “we” was in fucking California.

  I was impatient and annoyed. I needed Matt’s help and the only way to get it was to go to him. There was too much at stake here for a fucking voicemail, and my priority had been to get through to Rachel. Yeah, that wasn’t working.

  Now I had to get through to Matt, get him to see how much he risked losing if he pursued this job. I drove out of town with a little more lead in my foot than usual, heading to the ranch to pack and make a flight reservation.

  When I walked into the kitchen, I stopped short. Matt was there, sitting alone in the dark. Shit, he looked bad, like he hadn’t slept in days. Probably as bad as me.

  He looked up when I came in. “Hey.”

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I didn’t try to hide my irritation. What would be the point? It was his fault we were in this mess. “I thought you’d be in San Francisco for another couple days, at least.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, that was the plan.”

  Ah hell. He stared down at his feet and despite my intentions to remain cold, I felt for him. I’d been there during his recovery from shoulder surgery, from when he had to drop the team. The aftermath. It had destroyed him, losing the dream like that. But he’d come back, found a new dream, or so I’d thought. “You didn’t get the job?”